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In an effort to not be purged   
03:04pm 22/01/2012
 
mood: angry
This is only an attempt to mot loose all my enteries.
 
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So it's the day   
12:19pm 10/05/2010
  That Chris is suppose to come and get his stuff and give me my money. And he forgot. So I have to take it to him, since his procrastinating ass has "too much paperwork to do." When you have the whole weekend off you should have your shit done by now.

Anyway I'm pretty sure this may be the last time I see or talk to him for a long time...maybe ever. So hopefully it isn't too hard. He has made me feel like shit for soo long, even more so since he left and I hope that this is the last time I have to hurt over him...I don't think it will be though.
 
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Dazed and Confused?   
01:11am 30/04/2010
 
mood: shitty
Scratch that, angry and mad? no. Hurt and sad? nope. crushed and cursed? maybe. Cluster fucked by emotion and logic...yes please.

I seriously don't know what to think or feel. and I'm mostly just angry that he hasn't given me my very deserving right to know just what the fuck is going on in his head. seriously, I think I am owed that. I mean we were together for years and have experiences that cannot be called any but personal and private. When we, aka he, decided we weren't going to talk he fed me that bs line of, "I don't want to fight and I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have." Well I'm not fighting, I'm demanding the honest truth, which I deserve and you couldn't hurt me anymore than you already have unless you just left me without a clear understanding of the situation...which is just what you did.

Like seriously, be a dick, I don't really care if you hurt my feelings. Did you realize that you never really loved me? Did you fall for someone else? Are you just not capable of dealing with our relationship and everything else in life? seriously, if you hate me and think I'm a total piece of shit, I deserve to at least know that. At least then I can say ok, that is why he refuses to talk to me, that is why he quit our 3+ year relationship cold turkey and severed all forms of communication.

Honestly, I've know him for ten years and I feel like I don't know him at all. And as much as I'm sure he thinks I'm overly dramatic and tossing him into the amazing collection of men in my life, he is just like the rest or at least this behavior of his has lead me to be able to draw no other conclusions. For as upstanding and moral as he holds himself to be, he is judgmental and cruel. He is not someone that I can depend on and he is untrustworthy to the fullest extent. How do you go from sharing everything with someone and sleeping next to them every night to dropping them and not having the decency to explain yourself. That is bullshit and cowardice to highest degree.

I could make an incredible list of why I should thank him for doing me the favor of getting himself out of my life, so why then do I feel so full of horribly mixed emotions. Why do I feel so hurt and unworthy? Why do I feel so let down by life?

Fuck making plans in life, seriously that is the best advice that I can give anyone. That and always have your guard up around your heart, because the moment you let it down is when the inevitable heartbreak comes into play.

Here's to the next round of Kryssy's heart: the punching bag.
 
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I learned something tonight that has left me unsettled   
01:04am 17/04/2010
 
mood: confused
I thought I had gotten through the worst part. The long sleepless nights, the not being able to eat, the not understanding why. I had stopped crying for a couple of nights, I was begining to feel less hopeless and alone.

And then tonight, while discussing finances with my roommate/best bud I learn that when Chris moved out he paid my May's rent. and what's more, he apparently didn't want me to find out until I went to pay next months rent and it was a suprise extra money. WTF? like seriously, wtf does that mean??? So I'm going to dump you and move out and then tell you not to talk to me so that in a month you can be suprised by my good act of faith??? So what when I'm just starting to get over you and I feel like shit all over again because the person who gave the impression of not giving a damn about my mental well being decided to pay my rent like a mother fucking angel.

Seriously, what does that mean??? I'm completely beside myself. Why do it? Why make me wait till a month from the time we last talk to let me find out about your "good deed?" What purpose would that serve other that to make yourself feel good? It certainly did not make me feel better when I learned about it this evening. In fact it made me mad, mad that you would set me up to feel loved after you so plainly rejected me.

I'm feeling an emotional relapse coming...very soon. Time to take some sleeping aides.
 
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Pretty much love this song   
11:39am 15/04/2010
 
mood: blah
When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight

You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the lord

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
over and over
These thoughts run through my head
 
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Paperwork is fun   
11:36am 14/04/2010
  So I'm going to see a counselor today at 2:30pm, not that I can afford the $70 sessions, but I also cannot sleep at Amanda Stephenson's every night for the rest of my life. So I have to make a list of goals that I'd like to achieve through therapy. Which should take up all my time from now till then. I hope I like the lady and I hope this helps, I'm tired of being messed up. It's not fun to be fucked up anymore.


Here's to the future!
 
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Would like to make a list...   
01:16pm 13/04/2010
 
mood: contemplative
Reasons to live:

1. My mom
2. Blink
3. Stephanie
4. Amanda
5. Lauren
6. All of my NYC and Detroit Friends (michaela, pam, kate, nikaline, haven, krissy, nikki and others)
7. All my Detroit peoples
8. My wonderful family (Scott, my dad, dayne, mitch, nana, papa, and the rest)
9. Crossword puzzles
10. Food (which I some day hope to be able to eat again)
11. Season 3 of Tru Blood
12. Season 5 of Dexter
13. Books that I want to read
14. San Diego and 254 average days of sunshine
15. Movies
16. Music
17. 1950s housewife dresses (which I intend to buy a plethora of in the near future)
18. Karaoke
19. the chance to bred open-mindedness instead of ignorance
20. Me, someone has to fix this.
 
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second worst week ever.   
12:58pm 12/04/2010
  I can't believe any of this is really real. I had plans and I had dreams and what happened? I sabbotaged my own happiness with my stupid issues once again. All I wanted was something real, something that lasts. The worst part is part of me still thinks it can, still fanatizes that it goes on and on forever never ending never going the way it has.

I spent two+ years in New York, passing up so many chances and opportunities to do great things with my life. I spent so many Friday nights alone in my room waiting for phone calls. I lived for those moments. I wish I was still that excited when my phone rings. All I wanted to do was share each and every moment of my day with that one other person, you. What happened? Why did I ruin it? Why did I let my issues destroy something so precious and so dear and so delicate? I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself. You don't get that many chances in life to be happy and I squandered mine completely squandered it.

I should have seen it coming, I keep pushing you farther and farther away. I forced you out of love with me and I haven't the slightest clue why. am I just that much of a sadist? Well, I am making an appointment to see a therapist, it is clear that I am beyond fucked up and that I am never going to make myself better no matter how many self-help books I read. I should probably go to anger management too since I am way too full of hate and anger for my own good. I am killing myself in soo many ways I've realized. I should probably go to rehab for alcoholism, but that is just too expensive, but I am going to try really hard to cut back. I have been running soo long from soo many problems that they are finally catching up to me.

I am wrong. I am so wrong. I am wrong about just about any and everything. And I am not saying this to feel sorry for myself or to get pity. But I would say that in my life I am wrong about 99% of the time. and I am sorry. I am sorry and it comes too little too late it seems. But I am sorry about soo many things that I couldn't name them all if I tried. I'm sorry about the pain that I have caused you and I am sorry about the pain I have created for myself and continue to create.

I've thought back on soo many memories. I have so many happy ones. and I've destroyed a path 3+ years in the making. But I see now that was a pipe dream, I've spent so much time dreaming and too little time living what I dream about. I have created a dream in my head that is not reality. I have created ideal version of us, one where we never fight, one where you are everything I dream you are and more and where I am the only person you dream about. I have a perfect vision of our home, every room down to the coffee table and paint, our morning routine where I make you breakfast every morning and you rake the leaves in the yard in the fall. I have seen what I think our children would have looked like and I have given them names that'd we'd both agree on and you are the best father in the whole world. But that isn't real and I need to get these dreams out of my head.


I have a box full of trinkets and suvenirs from every place we went to and every restaurant we ate at. I have recordings of your voice telling me how much you love me. I have photos of so many moments that were so small that they got overlooked in my day to day life. I don't know what I'm suppose to do with them. I can't even look at them. I know that most of this is my fault, but I don't know why I deserve to be left with so so many reminders of the past.

I don't want to throw your stuff away, its your stuff. But I don't want it staring at me every morning when I try to get on with my life. I'm sorry I tried to give you the ring back, but I don't know what to do with it.
 
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So this is Love?   
07:41am 11/04/2010
 
mood: crushed
Well, it didn't last 6.5 years, so according to statistics we weren't even average. So why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel so let down by life? Why do I feel like nothing will ever be good again? and why can't I sleep at night? Me? I can sleep anywhere anytime and here it is sixth night in a row on four hours of sleep.

I don't know what to feel, I feel so many different things. I'm angry at him and I'm angry at me and I'm angry at whoever or whatever force brought us together. I wish he'd come back and say he didn't mean any of it. I wish I could go back in time and have never met him to begin with. I want my best friend back. I want my trust back. I want the sense of certainty that he gave me for so long.

I haven't felt this awful since John. and I hate to say it, but at least I never have to think about John sharing all the things I wanted with him with someone else. I don't have to picture him moving out and leaving me to pick up the empty pieces and I don't have to hear him tell me how "we aren't good for each other." I didn't have to hear my mom tell me that he felt that there were things about me that he couldn't change and couldn't accept. I didn't have to think of him moving on with someone else and holding them the way he used to hold me.

I know that this isn't the end, but it sure does feel like it. I feel so helpless and without hope. I feel like everything I knew and believed in was a lie. I feel like no one will ever be trust worthy or dependable or committed to me. I feel like I must be severely lacking in some department of human character, because why else would this be happening?

I understand why he left. I don't blame him at all. I know he tried to love me. I love him so much, that I don't know how I will ever feel whole again. He made me think of myself as half of a whole for so long that I'm not sure I know how to be just me.

I thought he was the one and he made me feel like I was too. So now what? I'm tired of feeling like this. I want the tears to stop, I want this tightness in my chest to go away, I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to have what I've dreamed of having, a dream that is no longer within my reach.
 
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I haven't felt this good in a lifetime   
06:19pm 01/04/2009
 
mood: accomplished
I have felt for so long that so much of myself was not worth anything. I love my family and my friends and my chris soooo much. But today I learned just how capable I am of succeeding on my own. I am officially on the graduation list for May 2009 and I have to say that I not only am ecstatic that I will be a college graduate but that a huge weight has just been lifted. Sure I'm broke and I'm scared, but I'm happy and I'm excited and I just don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should pack? at least for spring break next week anyway;)
 
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It has been a very long time   
11:06pm 27/12/2008
 
mood: sleepy
But I feel the need to write. Here goes...It's 11:06, Chris has been in town for a little over a week. I've been sick for almost an entire week...good timing I know. Shaun and Joe drove here from Michigan last night and have been in town all day entertaining chris while I've been fighting off infection and disease. We all went out for pizza down on 45th and Broadway around 6pm, then they all took a two hour nap. Well Chris and Shaun got up and left again around 9:30, Joe is still asleep.

I have had this journal since the beginning of 2002, so next week I will have had it for 7 years....crazy. When I started it I was 16 and now I'm 23, so much has happened, so much has changed. Many of the people have rotated in and out of my life, some are still fixtures holding a long term place, while others have faded away while still others have meerily stepped into the shadows and return from time to time. I am thankful for all the contributions that they have made to this life of mine, for it is they who have helped to shape my existance.

It's funny, because so many of the people who frequently commented on my journal are no longer main characters in my story, or perhaps that is what is suppose to happen in the story of life the characters that support the protagonist change with the chapters. Well If I'm the lone ranger then stephanie is my Tonto and Amanda is my Silver, for I believe they are the two who have lasted as long as this story has and maintained their station within the story. Its funny, because in 2002 they were both only becoming good friends of mine and I can see through these entries their evolution in my life. Also fun is how Mr. Groulx has changed. I don't take it back, and I feel that part of experiencing life is to enjoy the regrets, because they are completely your own to learn from and they provide you wisdom to pass on.

I harbor no ill feelings to those who no longer actively contribute to my life, I wish them well and I miss them. Thats the beauty and the burden of memory. It both brings joy and causes pain. I wish I hadn't destroyed both of my computers in the last year because in truth I'm no good at paper journals...believe me I've tried, I think I have carpul tunnel in both hands cause I cramp up sooo fast. But I am going to try, I am pretty sure that no one checks this, but fuck it, some day I'm going to print these all and bind them, I doubt anyone would publish my ramblings, but it's good to know what your life was, have something to pass on or look back on. Anyway, I'm rambling....out of curiosity, lets do a comparison.

From Jan 2002 and Dec 2008

1.Do you like having your picture taken? yeah, but I hate when my mom takes pictures, it so annoying/yeah except Chris always wants to take photos of buildings and scenary
2.Have you ever done a photo shoot, professional or non? I was suppose to/I did with Dante like 4 years ago and my senior pics were done professionally
3.If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go and why? I've always wanted to go travel Europe, see all those kewl things there are to see./I'd still like to see Europe, but also Egypt, Kenya, India, China, Japan, Thailand, Australia, Alaska and the rest of the US
5.What would you say is the most daring thing to do in a lifetime? live your life to the fullest and not spend your whole life following the rules and trying to live up to other exceptations./ I still agree with this, except maybe I will try to live up to my expectations.
6.Would you ever do that? yes/I'm trying
7.Have you ever done crossword puzzles? yup/Yeah, but I've been doing Sodoku puzzles for so long now that I have a hard time with the crosswords, different parts of the Brain.
8.Ever actually completed one? a few/Probably 10, I do them like everyday, but I have a short attention span for finishing them
9.Pick up the closest book and write a sentence at random from it? What a nice looking bunch of ducklings you have- all but except that one. Boy, he's really ugly. The really ugly ducking heard these people, but he didn't care. He knew that one day he would probably grow up to be a swan and be bigger and look better than anything in the pond./His form was of the same strong and stalwart contour as ever: his port was still erect, his hair was still reaven-black.
10.Do the same with a lyric from either a cd or the radio? Only in dreams /you see what it means/ reach out your hands/ hold on to her/ but when you wake /its all been erased/ and so it seems/ only in dreams ( Weezer )/I learned that nothing is as pressing as the one whose pressing would like you to believe (bright eyes)
11.Have you ever tried to analyze your own dreams? every once in a while/not in like three years, I was beginning to sleep too much when I was severally depressed.
12.Would you put up posters in your room? yes, lots/ Sure if they matched the look I was going for and had meaning to me.
13.Can you sing? uhh no/At Karioke I do, I've been told I have a nice voice, but I know I can't carry a note especially when I'm anxious
14.Do you ever sing to yourself while doing everyday tasks? yeah/fuck yeah, I love to sing for myself
15.What's your favorite color of post-it note? do they come in neon green? I like green maybe pink
16.How many cassette tapes do you own? like 8 I think/ I think I have 3
17.How many cd's do you own? around 100/ Maybe 112 now hahaha
18.Ever bought a cd for just one song? yeah sometimes/Oh yeah...I try to just download singles, but my pc is broke so....oh well
19.What would your perfect day consist of? hanging with my good friends and I don't no it would have to be spontaneous, maybe a road trip somewhere/ Same
20.Have you ever lied to get off the phone or out of talking to someone on line? all the time/somethings don't change
21.Have you ever written a survey? yep/ not since then
22.How about a song? If so share it? yup:
Verse 1: you look at me with a crook in your eye/ what did I do know that makes you wanna cry?/ Was it my cold heart or icy eyes/ I wish right now I die/
Verse2: Every word of mine makes you twitch/ god I'm such a bitch/ I ruined another guys heart/ why am I such a tart
Chorus: But wait its your fault/ you get so annoying/ just shut up/ stop your bitching/ your the reason your fucked up/ I'm leaving this art to the professionals
23.Or maybe a poem? If so share it or one of them? yeah, if you want one just ask me / not a good one, not in a while.
24.Is your vcr flashing 12:00 all the time? no/ no, but I still have one which is the scary part!
25.Do you read your horoscope? occasionally/ I read it every morning that I read the Metro (five days a week), just for fun though;)
26.If so, do you base your day on it? no, I think you can always change the future/ It's still true
27.Would you rather chew gum or use mouthwash and why? both.But I like mints too, little lip shaped cinnimon ones at vs/ I like gum, mouthwash burns and usually has floride in it...bad
28.Do you floss? yep/ yes, but not as often as I should
29.Are you addicted to napster like me? no/ who still has napster?
30.How many times a year about are you sick? not offen, except when i do stupid shit like od on cafeine pills/ Only the few times a year I get a hangover, I usually get a cold once or twice a year and this past week when I've been sick...yeah I think my immune system sucks.
31.Ever been in an airplane? yup/ Soooo many times
32.If so where were you flying to? florida, North Carlina, Washington, and Montana/ In addition, Georgia, NYC, Detroit frequently
33.What radio station to you listen to most? 88.7. I like cds better/ none I have an Ipod
34.What color are your shoes? I have fuzzy pink slippers on right now/ I have on dirty white socks...oxymoron much
35.Was fuzzy wuzzy a bear? nope, he was a alcholic hobo thats why he had no hair and why the rythm sounds like a drunk wrote it/ I concur with 2002 kryssy
36.Do you know how to play dominos? yeah/Chris' dad retaught me and now I forget again:(
37.Or do you think I just mean pizza by that? hmmm pizza/ I don't like dominos pizza
38.Speaking of pizza, what's your favorite kind? pepperoni, mushrooms, onions, green peppers, ham and bread sticks/ Eggplant, extra sauce and cheese or Feta and Spinach yum!
39.What color are your eyes? greyish blue/ that didn't change
40.How many surveys have you filled out this lifetime? a lot/ shit I don't know
41.Describe your bedroom, include all details? Lets see, my bed covered in stuffed animals, my vanity with my cd player, my T.V. and VC on top of my tv stand that has my books and scooby figures on it, my really neat costumized lamp, my dresser, my cat's bed, my garbage, my skateboard, my scooby tree, my Chinchilla cage, my N64, my Cork board, and tons on pics and posters. I'm a pack rat, I don't throw anything away so my room is always neatly cluttered/ I'm getting better on pack rat thing. I have two closets packed with crap, a book case with books, figurines, and photos; my bed, no frame on the floor, Two Domo stuffed animals (thanks to chris), A big window with a catnip plant, a dresser with a tv and dvd player on top and another dresser with my clovers on it.
43.Would you or have you ever shaven your head? never but I want to at least once/ I did once
44.How about someone else's? nope/ I have, Chris
45.Can you do math with ease? GRRR....NO/ Well I took it three times in college, so I kinda can
46.What size is your computer screen? about 13 inches/ I don't know this is Chris'
47.If you could only talk to one person online who would that be? Mike knight or Mike Czechak, maybe Ken/ No one, since I'm never online anymore.
48.Name your favorite type of music and why? i dont have just one. / Same
49.Are you a vegetarian? no / I was for like six months I think I may go back
50.How about an aspiring actor/actress? kinda, but I don't think I'll ever go pro/ I did some plays, It's not for me
51.What famous person dead or alive would you interview if you had the chance? Shakespeare, Viven Leigh,lucile ball, audrey hepburn, or Wynona Ryder,ect./ Shakespeare, Thomas Jefferson, Lincoln, Bronte, Virginia Woolf, Van Gogh, Kristen Wiig, Kubrik, Stephen King, Carrie Fisher, pretty much any writer that I've ever read and was impressed by
52.Which movie can you watch and say the lines along with the actors? Clueless/ Still can haha...there are many others too though
53.Name one your passions in life? writing/ Still is, Chris
54.What's your least favorite time of day? the morning, nothing happens/ Same its calming when the world is seemingly inactive, I like the night too, but I'm usually up early so I dont' get to enjoy late nights much
55.Who's your favorite member in a band, singer, guiter, bass, drummer, and why? oh the drummer hehe, but the truppet is pretty kewl and they never get any credit. Them and the people who play the harmonica/ I like them all equally, but whoever is writing the songs I would have to say
56.Do you use hairspray or gel? neither, I rarely use products
57.Describe your favorite meal? French oinion soup, steak ( rare ) , and a aweome dessert/ Still French Onion, but instead of a steak I like Green Curry with eggplant and instead of dessert, a nice salad
58.What color is the inside of your head when you close your eyes? red with blue dots surrounded by blackness/ same
59.Ever listen to classical music? sometimes/ same usually when I'm trying to relax or work on school work, it helps me to focus.
60.Have you ever said lol in real life without thinking about it? no, but I say abrevations alot/ same
61.Do you find you use internet language when writing notes? sometimes/ same
62.What songs would be on your ideal cd? too many to fit on just one/ same
63.Say one thing you've learned today? its a snow day/ VH1 decided that adele's "bleeding love" was the number one video of the year. hahaha...I don't know where that came from.
65.What is the best present someone else has ever given to you?my grandma's diary my dad gave it to me for christmas/ Thats still a good one. My mom bought me a snowboard one year, that was pretty badass too.
66.So hey, what's your full name? Krystina Aleese Taylor/ Hasn't changed either
67.Describe yourself while drunk? Floaty, happy, giggling, hornyer than usual, and in a " I love everyone" state of mind/ Floaty, giggly, hornyer than usual, I usually wanna dance and have intense discussions, I also always want food and to do lots of physical exhurtion.
68.How big are the windows in your house? Pretty Big/ They are pretty large for a new york apartment
69.Do you wear a watch? no/ Sometimes, I have a really nice one from tourneau
71.What's the largest age difference between you and someone you've dated? when I was 12 I dated a 15 year old/ five years, it was too much
72.How many mirrors do you have? two, one on my dresser and another on my vanity/ two one in the bathroom and one in my closet.
73.Write one sentence stating what you want people to say about you after you've passed on? she was unique in every way and I really admired her( I don't know )/ She made me feel and in someway made my life more three dimensional
74.Have you ever sailed? yeah/ yeah
75.How fast can you run? hmm, I ran the mile in like 9 minutes, I think/ I don't know, I don't do it often
76.What do you believe in? me :), and my faith/ the force
77.How long does it take you to get ready to go out? not long, about 20minutes, unless its special and I want to look good/ same
78.Do you shower daily? If not how often? yes/ yes usually at night before bed
80.Describe the ideal superpower and what you would do if you had it? xray vision, hehe. well I think I'd use it to see inside things or under clothes/ Well Chris said my xmen power was to forget things, sometimes I wish that my power was to remember more;)
*number 81 escaped*
82.Name something you've done in the last 24hrs no matter how big or small? walked to my friends in the snow/ I went to breakfast and dinner with Chris, Shaun and Joe
83.Do you wear necklaces, bracelets, anklets, earrings. rings? yep, I don't usually wear anklets except in the summer/ I always have an a bar in my left ear (industrial piercing), two earrings in each lobe, a post or ring in my nose, a white gold band on my left ring finger (chris gave me), a clada ring on my right pinky and some sort of neckalace, sometimes I wear something on my wrists.
84.What colors are you wearing right now? white and blue/ Blue, white and grey, haha that's kinda funny
85.How often do you change the sheets on your bed? I dont kow my mom does it/ once every six month, I usually sleep on top of my comforter with a ton of blankets if its cold
86.Have you ever gotten lost? on the way home from the renaissance festival me, eddie, jame, and matt were lost of almost 3 hours. haha../ Amanda and I got lost in the parking lot of Mike and April's wedding reception last month;)
87.What's on your computer desk? my computerand a phone/ Chris' mac is on my lap
88.How many folders are on your desktop at the present moment? dont know/ Chris has four
89.When your talking do you ever use your hands to do quotation marks in the air when saying certain words? haha, yeah/ haha yeah, it's a silly habit
90.Which landmark would you climb if you could? the thing with the faces on it/I would still like to climb mount rushmore;)
91.Do you own or have you read, or thought of reading any self-help books? yup/ haha oh yeah
92.Ever seriously questioned your sanity? on a regular basis/ Everyday, several times
93.Can you break dance? no, but i'd be fun to learn/ ha! I'm not well cordinated
94.What's in your fridge right now? food/ same
95.How many people do you live with? 2. my mom, my bro, my two dogs, my cat, and two chinchillas/ 3 Patti (an irresponsible makeup artist/ waitress), Polly ( A costumer for the ballet/ fashion designer) and Blink my beloved cat
96.Have you or would you ever do anything more than kiss in a public area? oh yeah/ Oh I have
97.What is the strangest thing you've ever done? I sometimes cry for no apparent reason( it sucks ) and sometimes I talk in third person or call people by names that aren't theirs, or talk to myself, or......../ still do all of the above among other things.
98.Name an instrument you've never played but would like to? the bass and the harmonica/ bag pipes
99.Have you ever been on tv or the radio? nope, but I've been in the newspaper/ Nope
100.What is the worst thing anyone could ever do to you? lie/ agreed
101.Are you a fast typer? sometimes/ depends on what I'm typing, I'd say I'm average
102.How high have you counted before getting bored? can't remember, I don't usually count for fun/ same
103.Describe how you sleep. on my back with my stuffed animal and my cat next to me. Sometimes I have music on or forget to shut off my tv/ Usually on my back with my cat next to me;) unless chris is here, then we spoon:)
104.Are you straight, bi, gay? straight/ I don't believe in such titles, but I'm with a man now and have never been romantically involved with a woman save for amanda;)
105.Do you ever do something else while on the computer? If so what? listen to music or talk on the phone/ watch tv, talk on phone listen to music
106.What is the most expensive item you own? everything, because to me its all priceless/ same, except things are replaceable, it is the people in my life who are priceless.
107.How about the least expensive? the useless posters everywhere/idk, I'd have to think about that.
108.What's your favorite card game to play? tarot/ circle of death!
109.What do you do online? chat, check my email, and write in lj, order clothes, look up info on people and bands/ check my email, go on facebook or myspace to see what others are up to, do research for school, sometimes I blackle things that make me curious.
110.Name some stores you've bought clothes in before? hot topic, contempo, pacsun, gadzooks/ Express, YRB, Steve and Barry's, JJay student store.
111.Have you ever read a book and not understood it? If so which one? school books and the bible and most Charles Dickins books like great exceptations, or Walden ( god I hated that book, it made me want to slit my wrists)/ I get those all now, except the bible, that will always be an enigma.
112.Have you ever watched a movie and not understood it? If so which one? lots of movies are hard to understand, like scary movies where the victims do the stupidest things and your like " what the hell?????"/ Same, I really didn't understand Ethan Hawke's "Hamlet 2000," but it was more from a cinematographers perspective.
113.Do people pick up your slang language more than you pick up theres? sometimes, I try to be original, but I say other peoples sayings a lot/ same
114.Are you easily influenced by other people, or currant trends? no, not really/ I try not to be, but I am a human
115.What makes you unique in your own opinion? everything/ I'm human, there are bound to be unique qualities in me.
116.Name your worst quality? stubborn/ stubborn with a bad temper, I have mood swings...its true
117.Name your best? hmmm, idk, you tell me/ I'm kind, I'm forgiving and I'm empathetic
118.What would you like to do with your life? go to new york, become a better wiccan, and own my own coffee shop or bar or night club or book shop/ Well I'm in NYC, check. I don't want to be a wiccan or own anything. I want tot travel, be with Chris, spend as much time as I can with those I love and enjoy my life to its fullest.
119.Do you blow dry your hair? yeah/ sometimes, I have a straightener if I don't
120.How many clocks are in your house? I think about 5/ 4 that I know of
121.Are they all set on the same time? no/ they should they are all digital
122.Have you ever intentionally set a clock ahead or behind the actual time? yeah to mess with my mom's head, hehe/ I tried to trick myself, it didn't work.
123.What do you think about when you first wake up in the morning? where am I? am I still asleep? do I have to go to school today? what is today? do I have anything important to do? did I shower last night? where is blink? whats that noise? what time is it? where is everyone? is it cold out? what to wear? should I curl my hair? why do I care so much about this?/ I don't ask so many questions anymore, I prepare the night before. Now I just hit snooze a hundred times and groan about having to get up.
124.Which browser do you use? idk/ firefox
125.Do you bite your nails? sometimes when they break/ not as much as I used to
126.Would you ever leave little notes to your gf/bf? yep I would/ I haven't lately, but I'm in a long distance relationship so it's kinda hard, I snail mail him though.
127.Ever been to a farm? lots of times/ same
129.Ever seen a shooting star? haileys comet? yeah shooting stars/ not so many stars in the city
130.Say one thing about yourself you've never told anyone. I'm really self concious/ I drool in my sleep, I didn't tell Chris that, he told me.
131.Do your days fly by or seem to last forever? both/same
132.Have you ever stayed in a fancy high class rich hotel? yeah/ not recently
133.Have you ever stayed in a rent-by-the-hour motel? no/ yes, it wasn't what you think though
134.What in your opinion is the best advertising slogan out there? got milk?/ those damn amex surveys always make me smile cause Ellen is on them
135.When they start sending rockets to the moon for us civilians, will you be on the list to go? yeah, but I'd live here still/ If I could afford to go I'd like to
136.How are you feeling right now? kinda tired/ same
137.Have you ever written anything on your skin? yeah/ oh yeah, its the best way to remind myself of something
138.If so what? phone #s, reminders/ same
139.Which website do you frequent most often? livejournal, hot topic/ facebook, myspace, yahoo, blackle, youtube, jjay.edu
140.What color is most of your clothes? red, black, blue, green, pink/ green, black, blue
141.Do you own any plants? I'd like some, but there isn't any room in my room, but I do have a fake x-mas tree in there/ I have two clover plants, a catnip plant, a rose bush and a basil plant.
142.Are things as bad as they seem? never/ in my head they are, but not in reality
143.Descibe the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you? skipped work and spent the night at my house with me when I was sick, walk to my house in the snow/ Come all the way to NYC to ask me out.
144.Ever looked directly at the sun? yeah/yeah
145.Have you ever made a pin hole camera to watch the eclipse? no/ no
146.What's your favorite cereal? banana nut crunch and french toast crunch oh and frosted flake and frosted cherrios/ mmm banana nut crunch
147.Who do you miss? everyone back home
150.Say something else about yourself you've never told anyone before. I cry a lot/ I miss who I was


Well that was an interesting experiment. Now I have to go to bed. I will be back.
 
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You think that I don't see the good....   
11:17pm 22/05/2008
  "Learning To Breathe"

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way
 
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I keep falling deeper in love with you   
09:44pm 28/04/2008
 
mood: peaceful
I have had a great last week with my honey. There were zoo animals, movies, family and friend time. There was good food, carnival rides and pirate games. I am so happy for all the people in my life. I love you all fiercely. I can not wait to be home in just a few weeks, I miss you already.

I can't get this song out of my head, so here it is on my LJ, maybe this will help....

I've had in stuck in my head since I watched that episode of vmars season one....

It also makes me think of my baby and our future;)


"Edge Of The Ocean"

There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out.
And the sky is deep and blue.
Won't you take me there with you.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

There's a world I've always known
Somewhere far away from home.
When I close my eyes I see
All the space and mystery.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

-Ivy
 
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Random thought of the moment   
11:06pm 09/04/2008
 
mood: busy
Some people are really shallow and fake...Like OMG!

I was going through some of my past posts and I have to say I was a complete artard for about7 years. I'm so glad to be rid of my immature ways....on ward towards adulthood and all the beautiful that it brings.

What have I been up to lately? Besides busting my butt at work and school that is...have I done much? seesh.

Last Friday Polly and I along with her friend Ed visiting from London went to The Flux Factory's everything must go art gallery/ crazy house party. Seriously I've never seen that place so packed. There was some amazing art exhibits on top of the gorgeous view from the roof, where they are currently constructing a "shanty town." Ate pie in bed and had milkshakes, had fun on a giant indoor slide with Polly, had a dance party in the "party bathroom" with my ATC ladies. All in all a good time.

Saturday Lauren came over and her, Polly and I had a girls night. Well Lauren and I chilled while Polly crammed in preparation for the next day. Sunday was the "Project Runway" Audition, so we got up super early and went downtown. Got in around 10am and made it in to the judges. Tim Gunn is awesome! That little pipsqueak christian however was a totally obnoxious character. Polly didn't make it, but we got to chill in the studio and meet the judges. I modeled one of Polly's dresses which the judges all seemed to like a lot. It wasn't on my list before, but now I can check off "audition for a reality tv show."

This week has been crazy! With tests and registration. Not to mention trying to plan Polly's birthday bash on friday. We are regular old martha stewart's with our cocktail and hor'douvres menu we have planned.

Not much else is going on, I'm getting pretty excited about going home for break next week. I miss my chris and my ladies! I'm looking forward to a week with out work or school with my boyfriend and best buds!

Hope everyone is doing well...K
 
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Today's Kryssy moment brought to you in part by Jamba Juice   
07:59pm 20/03/2008
 
mood: chipper
So here it goes kryssy moment of the day...So I have $20, since I didn't feel like waiting for Bobby to get me my tips from yesterday, so I walk into Whole Foods and pick up my Organic Tooth Paste and Eco Friendly Floss and Bay Organic Leaves and as I'm leaving I think to myself, hey you've still got $5 why not treat yourself to a Razzamatazz smoothie from Jamba Juice after all you have had a busy week with midterms and all. So I get it, it's effing brilliant and I get home and start to pack to go to the laundromat to do two weeks worth of laundry that I've been putting off and you know what...I spent all my money for laundry on Jamba Juice....and there is your kryssy moment of the day...amazing!

In other news I met Ryan Gosling last night outside Equinox and yes he is as hansom in reality as on film especially since he had a beard like in the note book...drool ladies. drool...

School is a drag let me tell you and spending what will be six years getting my bachelors is like taking middle school and high school all over again. I cannot wait to get into a grad program and feel like I have some sense of what my future will be, none of this general education crap, but actually working in the field.....I'm desperate for it! I e-mailed my advisor today and I was like look I need some serious help finding grad schools that aren't crap schools like devry or whatever that place is called. I

So I just need to go off on a minor rant....I love the Mars Volta...I love them...I think that they are brilliant. Sure their music has no structure and for the most part their lyrics are impossible to interpret into anything concrete but by god are they incredible...I think De-loused is one if not my favorite album of all time....amazing...if you don't know who they are go buy this album and listen to it....its bangarang!

Ok I have to go be productive now...peace!

THE MARS VOLTA LYRICS
"Televators"
Just as he hit
The ground
They lowered a tow that
Stuck in his neck to the gills
Fragments of sobriquets
riddle me this
three half eaten corneas
who hit the aureole
Stalk the ground
Stalk the ground
You should have seen
The curse that flew right by you
Page of concrete
Stained walks crutch in hobbled sway
Auto-da-fé
A capillary hint of red
Only this manupod
Crescent in shape has escaped
The house half the way
Fell empty with teeth
That split both his lips
Mark these words
One day this chalk outline will circle this city
Was he robbed of the asphalt that cushioned his face
A room colored charlatan
Hid in a safe
Stalk the ground
Stalk the ground
You should have seen
The curse that flew right by you
Page of concrete
Stain walks crutch in hobbled sway
Auto-da-fé
A capillary hint of red
Only this manupod
Crescent in shape has escaped

Pull the pins
Save your grace
Mark these words
On his grave
[x3]

You should have seen
The curse that flew right by you
Page of concrete
Stain walks crutch in hobbled sway
Auto-da-fé
A capillary hint of red
Everyone knows the last toes are
Always the coldest to go
 
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Midterms suck my ass   
10:35pm 18/03/2008
 
mood: busy
So I've been studing for two extremely difficult to do good on exams, not that the material is hard or that I'm a tard, but both the profs for these classes are completely useless human when it comes to giving any sense of direction. So basically I've worked on memorizing every bit of about 500 pages, all of which I will immediately loose from my long term memory post test stress. Awesome...so much for learning things.

Well this past week was awesome, Chris was on spring break so I go to have the pleasure of his company for the last seven days. I was sad to see him go, but he has school which apparently he has to do in michigan *sarcasm*. It was nice though him just being here. We had a lot of good food. Saw be kind rewind, wasn't so great but it amused us.Had dinner with Lauren on Wednesday, and we went to a conservation gallery that Cassandra helped put together on Thursday night with Polly. Then Friday we walked the Brooklyn Bridge then went to dinner where Chris proceeded to get me extremely intoxicated off of Margaritas, we enjoyed some cigars after dinner and had a fun time at the Rubin Himalayan Art museum afterwards. Saturday we met up with his cousin Jaime and her friend Maneula for brunch before meeting up with Marlon, Gabe, Ryan and company at 1849 down in the West Village. Sunday he helped me repot my flowers before we headed to the airport.

Now my life is back to the amazing array of homework and bar shifts that it always is. I'm planning on coming home at the end of next month for a week though, so I'm pretty excited about that! I miss you michiganians and home!

Hope everyone else is doing good, I'm hanging in there for the second eight weeks of this semester. See ya on the flip side!
 
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I do not wish to elaborate.....   
10:36pm 08/03/2008
 
mood: drained
but today has been a very long day.
 
     Post
 
Words.....   
11:34pm 01/03/2008
 
mood: exhausted
Blah....today has been very blah. I got up late, wanted to be proactive and get a head start on reading for school, alas I am stressed and in dire need of sleep. So I got little more than nothing accomplished before going into work at 12 where I stayed on the verge of homicidal rage until around 9pm when I headed home. Decided to do my laundry and read some Plato for Philosophy, while my clothes were in the wash a mysterious woman, who I presume works at the laundromat, walks by and cleans the washer that my stuff is on. After twenty minutes or so my laundry is done and I go to take it to the dryer, but to my dismay my my laundry bag is gone, missing and no one will own up to seeing where it went. Damnit! So I go home, bitch to Polly and forty minutes later I return to the laundromat with her laundry bag only to find my own laundry bag has miraculously reappeared from out of thin air! I don't know what happened or how it happened...but I am greatfull as I do not have $20 to buy a new bag. Intense day I know.

So eventful happenings....my Lab teach for science is a heinous bitch that I want to run through with a blade. School blows, I'm stressed as shit over classes that in the long run don't even matter but I need them to graduate.

Last night Steve, Lauren, Polly, Marlon, Gabe and I went to dinner at Magdala's. Had a little fairwell dinner for Steve who leaves monday for San Diego and then a week later to the west pacific for eight months. Hopefully he'll be back in time for Chris and I to go visit over winter break.

Oh! Wednesday I met Scarlett Johannsen, who is beautiful and super nice! She came into my work for lunch with a friend. She had on these huge old man reading glasses and barely touched her food, but she was polite and tipped well so go her.

Other than that I have a retarded amount of school work to accomplish before Chris comes out for his spring break in eight days, but I'm excited that we get to spend St. Patty's day together this year! Yay for green beer and shamrock shakes!

Well I'm outtie....talk to fine people later!

PS Amanda you need to get facebook, I miss sending you funny messages and I hate myspace. Call me if you read this, I miss you lots! <3 cupcake
 
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Human beings are thee most useless....   
04:36pm 21/02/2008
 
mood: annoyed
lazy pieces of crap! I wish for once that I could leave the classroom without hearing some lazy person complain about the fact that they have homework. You're in college! Shut up and do what you're told. "50 questions, multiple choice and short answer!Oh my god!" Shut up! You should know this stuff, it's your major and if you don't do the studing and you don't get the grade you are to blame not how hard the test was! If you can't answer 50 questions adequately then you know what I don't want you as my psychologist and I don't want you working in my state hospitals and in my courtrooms you piece of garbage excuse for a graduate. GOD I can't stand listening to the losers in my classes bitch about the fact that they have to work hard to scure a good grade and a subsequent good job. Really these people are all wasting their time, if they can't study for a 50 question test how the hell are they going to get into grade school or are they banking on getting a profession with only an undergrade in Psychology....cause that's a joke.

Ok...just needed to rant about all the dumb people I go to class with...scares me to think that these are the kinda people who want a job helping another learn how to cope and deal with life.....really scary....
 
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Well Naomi Watts didn't loose her leg, but aparently Heath Ledger is dead...   
09:55am 23/01/2008
 
mood: accomplished
Don't worry that isn't the premise on which I am updating, I just didn't feeling doing anything else and the computer was in front of me so I figured, what the heck. I have realized that this past year of working and going to school full time have seriously ruined me. I don't know how to do things anymore. I mean when class is in schedule I work five days and have five classes so I constantly have a schedule. So I don't know how to instruct myself how to do things out of my own will anymore. Geez thats retarded. I mean handicapped, yes I'm handicapped at running my own life without structure. Last night I passed out at 8pm and then woke up at 1am sitting up with my head leaned on my pillow.

Side note: Why does Rachel Ray have a show? I'm going to turn the tv off cause I'm feeling my inner clam dissapearing as she speaks. Oh and Chris I'm so much more interesting than that woman...

Oh yes 1 am, so I went back to sleep and woke up at 4am, having 8 hours of sleep I was awake, but I couldn't justify getting up at 4am so I forced myself back to sleep till 6am. Got up, showered, listened to the radio, made tea, finnished watching HOOK ("You can fly, you can fight, and you can CROW!"), talked to Chris, did Yoga, ate/watched Good Morning America, and finnished the Jeopardy Questions for Pam and I's sleepover. Now it is 10am and I still have 4 hours till I have to go to work. OMG! Will this semester start already.

No what sucks more than being out of school and not being capable of managing your own life, is the fact that I am so broke than any of the ideas I come up with I pretty much can't do anyway. Like I was going to start working on the painting for Chris, but I'm out of paint and white Gesso costs $11, more than I can set aside with all the darn bills I have to pay. Lame....

I was in Tallahassee this weekend visiting my dad and his family. I hadn't been there is about three years. It was really nice seeing my aunts and my uncle. I met my dad's newest girlfriend, Susan, I really hope he keeps this one. Unlike the montage of previous losers and bimbos that he dated she is down to earth and sweet. She has three kids that are all around Dayne's and I's age, her son Jackson and I are even the same age with the same birthdays, no such thing as coincidence they say. I really like Tallahassee, I always have, I guess I always objected to living in Florida because it was what my father wanted and I never wanted to give him what he wanted when I was younger and full of scorn. But perhaps I will look at FSU, I know that they are in the top ten schools in the country and are very affordable and from what my dad says they have a very good psychology masters program. We'll see, I don't know where we'll end up;)

In other news, well there really isn't, I start school again next week. I'm taking Natural Science and Statistics which make me wanna kick and scream. I'm also taking Theories of Personality, Psychology of the adolencent offender, and Philosophy of Law, which all sound exciting. No my lit classes, that's kinda crazy, I've taken at least one lit class a semester since 9th grade. Oh well maybe that means I'll be able to read books of my own choosing this semester when I have time.

Ok I've rambled for a considerable amount of time and now I will leave you with this thought....

I am a part of all that I have met. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

<3 Kryssy
 
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